Current View from My Front Door

Time to reassess?

To single folks out there, I'd like to offer the following as food for thought and discussion.

We all have it: the list of traits we'd like to see in our spouses. What's on your list? Mine has always gone something like this: "Strong Christian, spiritual leader, good sense of humor, gets along with my family and friends, someone I can have a good time with." Is yours similar?

My friend and I started a women's Bible study a couple weeks ago, and we're reading "Safe People" by Henry Cloud and John Townsend. This week part of the first chapter got us talking about outward appearances, specifically how little they mean to God. We read Psalm 15, and then considered the following (lengthy) passage from this book.

One evening, I spoke to a group of Christian college students about dating and relationships. At the close of the talk, I asked, "What qualities do you look for in a potential date or mate?" The answers went something like this: "I want someone spiritual, godly, ambitious, fun to be with," and so on. They replied as I had expected. And that disturbed me, for as a counselor and as a person, I know that these are not the issues that cause relationships to break apart.

When I questioned the audience a bit further, asking them about character and relational issues, they were in the dark. They continued to give me broad religious answers and descriptions of people that had little to do with what the Bible actually says about relationships.

People in trouble don't say broad religious issues are the problem. They say:

He doesn't listen to me.
She is so “perfect” that she can't understand my struggles.
He seems so distant that I feel alone.
She always tries to control me.
He makes promises but really doesn't follow through.
He is condemning and judgmental.
She is always angry at me for something I did or didn't do.
I tend to be my worst self with him or her.
I cannot trust him....

When we listen to God address his problem relationships, the list is much more like the second than the first. He says that, among other things, his people are "far away" (Is 29:13), "unfaithful" (Josh 22:16), "proud and perfectionistic" (Deut 8:14, Ps 36:2), "unloving" (1 John 4:20), and “judgmental” (Rom 2:1).

God does not use religious terms and language when he discusses people. He talks about how people treat him and others, and whether or not they get things done as they said they would. In short, he looks at someone's character. He is looking at their makeup as a person and the way that that character interacts with him and the world…

Of course, no one sets out to find a mate with bad character. But it still happens. Are we valuing the right things? I have more than one friend who dated the guy or girl with all the right assets, and it actually was not at all what they were looking for.

Maybe this shouldn’t have been such a revelation to me, but it has made me reconsider just what my husband might look like. None of the things on my list is bad, but they really say very little about how this guy would treat me and take care of me on a daily basis. What exactly does it mean to be a “good Christian?” Or even a “spiritual leader?” Couldn’t it look a little different in just about every person? I’m sure I could find someone who really gets along with my friends and family who I have no interest in dating, and I can have a fantastic time with guys who I know I should never end up with.

When asked “What qualities do you look for in a potential date or mate?” what should our answer really look like?